Not Too Old
April 17, 2012 § 9 Comments
After Herself filed out of his office with our supervisor, I was left to take a bit more thrashing from the big boss. He said to me after the door closed again, “You are too old for this.” I pitied him at that moment: Had he ever felt for someone the way I felt for her? Had he forgotten or long since chalked up love to an immature impetuousity? a phase to go through between this age and that age? Then you get married, make a go of “reality”–grow up. I’m not too old for anything, including making a fool of myself. Did his wife tell him he was too old for that affair? I’m not a child–the birth of my children saw to that–and my needs are not childish. Neither is there a statute of limitations on acquiring them. Am I too old to make a mistake? to be frustrated and to express it? to apologize? Too old for any of that is old enough to be dead. I have burdens enough. Why carry a headstone around?
i like your use of alliteration in the 5th line & tone throughout this post. And, I agree: you’re never too old for anything!! more people need to think like that
As to the alliteration, Laura, I hadn’t noticed! As to the tone, I work very hard on that aspect of writing. Thank you for appreciating it.
You aren’t too old to have romantic feelings for somebody, but you’re way too old to do all the passively creepy shit you did, and to cling to this perverse sense of pride in doing it.
(A fan, it seems.) I can’t help but to own up to the “passively creepy” shit (though I might not have then), but I find it interesting that you interpret my attitude as “perverse pride.”
I’ve read through all of A Bright, Ironic Hell and Satellite Dance. I really liked both – both the writing and the subject. I am sympathetic but agree that some of the things you did after your “date” with Herself were, well, ill-advised and unlikely to get you anything but negative attention. I agree that much of the time you were writing then (regardless of your feelings now), there was an unmistakeable note of pride about your feelings — pride that you would not be intimidated by your bosses, pride that you were capable of great feeling, pride that you had thought of clever or unusual ways to express yourself. I’m a little surprised that you don’t see that as a theme running through a lot of what you wrote.
Oh, I do, absolutely, see that theme running through both of those blogs, and I have not stopped apologizing for it since. At that time it was the way I felt, and like many of my actions, I could not see the underlying psychology of it. I wondered, with the comment that started this exchange, that the reader could still accuse me of having that same pride based on what I’m writing now. What do you see now? (Good to hear from you, by the way.)
I’m glad to have sparked a dialogue, but disappointed that it is based on a judgement of my previous behavior (and previous blogs) and not on my current writing, through which I had hoped to show my understanding of and growth away from that behavior. I am still taking comments on the other blogs, and they are where this discussion rightly belongs.
Your current writing shows a lot of “maturing” from your previous thoughts, and no longer seems proud about what had happened; in fact, it seems regretful or wistful about it. I would say you learned something, and it shows.
Exactly what I’d hoped to express. I’m glad it shows.