October 12, 2012 § Leave a comment
There is more past behind me than future ahead of me. The end is nearer than the beginning. I see it more clearly. The past is full of innumerable presents I never had time to understand. The future promises that understanding, but the wisdom awarded smacks of consolation: What do I do with it? The future will be spent stoically mopping milk, dusting the thick-grown regret from the surfaces of a half-lived life at least three-quarters done. Wondering if living alone is worse than dying alone. Peeling away identities curling at the edges. Appreciation of, after resignation to, what’s left after the cleanup, gradually acclimating to the stark gleam of the end of tunnel.
April 17, 2012 § 9 Comments
After Herself filed out of his office with our supervisor, I was left to take a bit more thrashing from the big boss. He said to me after the door closed again, “You are too old for this.” I pitied him at that moment: Had he ever felt for someone the way I felt for her? Had he forgotten or long since chalked up love to an immature impetuousity? a phase to go through between this age and that age? Then you get married, make a go of “reality”–grow up. I’m not too old for anything, including making a fool of myself. Did his wife tell him he was too old for that affair? I’m not a child–the birth of my children saw to that–and my needs are not childish. Neither is there a statute of limitations on acquiring them. Am I too old to make a mistake? to be frustrated and to express it? to apologize? Too old for any of that is old enough to be dead. I have burdens enough. Why carry a headstone around?
February 21, 2012 § Leave a comment
I’m old enough to know I’m mortal, and to know I’m moreso every day. Will I get what I deserve? It’s not a given. We all know that. I’ve been around long enough to know what’s missing. I know how to get it, too, but I’ll need a bit more time and a lot more patience to learn the procedure. Better I didn’t know anything. I could leave the whole damn thing alone and live without it, filling the hole with all the toys the braindead are told to buy. But I’m smart, I know what I want, and I’m single-minded–no better at distracting myself from my quest than at knowing where to start it. I’d go the whole wide world just to find it, but I know I should sit and let it find me. Anyway, I’m tired and bitter, too. My world is small, so I wouldn’t have to go far, but there is no chase. What I deserve can come get me. There’s a mantra barely worth muttering.