November 30, 2012 § Leave a comment
Self-created penance—guilt: Is it all that’s in the way? The plunge is a scary thing, but if I get too comfortable alone—well, I can’t imagine that. And that’s the problem: I enjoy my time at home, but staying there is too easy, and my life is not wholly contained in my apartment. What portion’s on the outside? More every day. What it looks like, I haven’t the foggiest. I thought I would feel differently, but desperation and impatience, even together, can’t calm the fear of actually going on a date. When do I say “I don’t have a car?” When does it become dishonest not to? When you know it’s a dealbreaker and could thin the herd to you by saying it. Just another excuse to fall back on Herself and into my hair shirt.
May 22, 2012 § 2 Comments
If I can’t tear myself out of this caul of hope when I leave the apartment for entertainment, then there really is nothing for me to do. Nothing’s changed within that equation since The Trainwreck. Desperation to replace her becomes the reason to crawl Carytown, so I stop going. It always comes to that. Then I go stir crazy waiting for something to happen, desperation building as much on the need to get away from the memories of her as on the need to find something positive to hang my heart on. Pursue, retire, repeat. If I didn’t pursue I wouldn’t tire. Inertia doesn’t sit well with me, as too much time with myself can be too much time spent licking old wounds. Then I try to get away from them into the city. The cycle travels around the stillpoint, and I can’t break from the centrifugal force to spiral into it, caught up in the wrong pursuit, or in pursuit of pursuit itself–the dog walking in circles and never laying down.
April 27, 2012 § Leave a comment
What I want and what I can give don’t balance out. That’s what stops me making any moves toward trying to date. I want so much that I would begrudge the giving-back. It’s always been, “Where’s mine? What’s in it for me?” So desperate to find what’s mine that I couldn’t be bothered with anyone else’s. How I can know what I need and not care if anyone else gets it, I don’t understand. I do care. But how can I give what I feel I don’t have? I wanted a lot from Herself, and I offered her nothing. Do I have any more for anyone else? Do I have it for myself? It’s the asking for it I shouldn’t bother about, isn’t it? Except, how do I both give it to and take it from myself? Where is it to start with?